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Hello dr. OrenI'm in need of urgent guidance.We are in long distance relationship for more than 2 years. We visit each other about 4 times a year, we have daily phone calls and video calls. We love each other, and don't want break up, but situation is complex. We spent time together, and it was not just vacation time, it was also everyday life, with work and kids.I'll try to be short. Situation is as follows: Both had previous marriages and bad experiences, both have children from previous marriage. Since beginning, it was alway (my) thought that I'll move to him (to Israel) and always knew it would be difficult for me because I will either have to leave my child with his father or move my child from his environment.We never fully agreed upon on the way of my relocating. My need in relationship is that partner sees me as person he wants to spend life with, beyond any doubt, someone that gets excited and happy just thinking of life together, sees me and feels me as his spouse, wants to me marry me. Also there are practical things in order to legally relocate we should be married, and then my child can come with me, and I can have a job and work. He wants me to come as tourist, to live together, to go to counseling, and he thinks that then he will develop (or get back) those feelings, passion. He did have them in beginning, and occassionally in moments that never lasted – hurt me many times by proposing and taking it back hours or days after, by his words because of trust issues, bad experiences, fears, but doesn't feel fully like that for some time. He loves me, that part is true.He is insisting on me coming as tourist and then he thinks everything will be ok and he will. I feel like he doesn't care how hard is it for me and risks and consenquences. To leave the job, only source of income, to not be able to visit my kid without risk (and it is real risk of being denied to come back to Israel ever), to not be able to work and contribute, to organize legally everything about the child (I don't want to fully lose custody even if I'm to relocate without him). While at the same time, nothing changes for him, just adds – I'm there, his kids could be more with him/us. He knows I love him more than words can describe, that I'm willing to move, at the sam time by his confession, he loves me but admitted that he activelly repressed that love, and that now (and has been for some time) more than friendship, but not really what it should or could be. He wants me there, he wants to spend time with me, he says that he could live comfortable life with me, and he is treating me good, more than good. In many ways, he is everything that I never dreamed of to find in someone, really everything, and accept him fully. But, it came to that that he said he will give me as much time as I need to think about it, if I'm willing to do it as he wants/needs, and if I can't he doesn't want to continue. And I don't want break up, but thinking of relocating this way, based on him thinking that he (maybe) can restore those feelings, and maybe one day he will see me as his wife.. makes me stressed and not really want to do it under those circumstances. From my point of view, before such big life change, those feeling should already be there. I'm frustrated by his lack of understanding of my point of view, of him not willing to give me safety, emotionally or otherwise, of him not having feeling of wanting to protect me, and not thinking what he can give to me, (like I do) but thinking just what he wants/need.We are both frustrated and affected with fact that we are not living together. If we were in same country or city, we both are sure that we would already have life together.I'm stuck, stressed and desperate. I don't know how to proceed, how to think of this, what to do. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to end up hurting, living my life along someone who is just comfortable with me, while I love him fully and with more passion that in the beginning. I just don't feel he loves me the same way any more. He did before.

1. How old are you guys?2. How is your Hebrew3. Are you Jewish?The last two question relate to the obstacles you might have moving here, in addition to those you've described here.

Thank you for such quick reponseWe're both 39My Hebrew is in beginning stages, I'm learning. I've been taking care of his kids while he was at work on multiple occassions, they don't know english, it worked very well. His kids accepted me wonderfully, my kid accepted him the sameI'm not Jewish, he is. We are both secular, but keeping traditions. We have many interesting conversations about similarities and differences of traditions. We met each others families and friends and are warmly welcomed and accepted

Dear Nora,I am a bit concerned whenever I see clear asymmetry that is mixed with signs of instability. If you move to Israel, you’re obviously going to pay a sever costs, and so is your son, being away from you or from his dad. And you risk being independent. Arriving as a tourist, and as a non-jew, may entail the risk of breaking emigration laws, and as you say, of being deported from Israel, maybe for good, or maybe even worse – I am not sure exactly how that works, but it is a major risk.As you say, you would be completely dependent on him here, either on his money and hosting or on the money you already have with no income. I don’t know what are risks for the future, say, if you return back to your home country after a year or two. Will your job be secure?The risk is much higher, given that you are not jewish, because of the way people think and feel, independent of him or you being religious or secular. If he decides that he does not want to continue his relationships with you, he may still be OK with that socially, even you pay a major cost and be miserable, much more than he would if you were a returning Israeli that goes through the same process. And that is simply because many, if not most people, do not approve mixed marriage (or couples). Socially, he’ll have a great excuse to be harsh or inconsiderate, and using excuses of different mentality and habits.And then you say that he is not sure about his feelings. This means that the risk you’re taking is even greater, and also – that he will always be able to tell you – “But you knew that in advance, don’t blame me, or try to make me feel guilty. You knew it was a risk.” Guilt is an important bonding emotion, that can bridge upon bad periods and couple may have.All that is coming with you feeling that “I'm frustrated by his lack of understanding of my point of view, of him not willing to give me safety, emotionally or otherwise, of him not having feeling of wanting to protect me, and not thinking what he can give to me, (like I do) but thinking just what he wants/need” – which only makes me more concerned of issues of the asymmetry. Not only in risk, but in having excuses to cause damage, and getting away with it emotionally and socially with no, or very little guilt. Guilt and concern and care are always important, and more so when there is such an asymmetry.I understand your feelings for him, and he probably is a wonderful unique man. It can indeed be very hard to give up love without fighting for it. The fact that he is a wonderful man, however, does not mean that he must be a wonderful mate. He needs to want you enough to overcome difficulties. He needs to be compassionate and a caring and empathetic person not to lead you to a risky path, just as an excuse, to you, that he did everything he could. Does he really believe in you?.You must be sure he is a kind of person who can be kind and generous and patient, when it tough for him. Most of all, he needs to be emotionally stable. Or that you do not lose too much and have enough to hang on, if this would not work (or not leave too late, based on an insecure hope, if you arrive on his terms). And yes, that you won’t be a prisoner in the borders of Israel, simply because you will not be able to return.

Dear Nora,I think you should show him this correspondence. I suppose you can understand why this is important. I think it would be ok.Oren